For as long as I can remember I have had a very negative thought process and outlook. I considered myself happy, for the most part, but I harbored unnecessary anger, jealously, paranoia, and even hate. I am admittedly sarcastic and cynical- I was raised this way (and by no means do I blame or fault my upbringing). During middle school, high school, and college this attitude worked for me. I was tough and I built walls. I didn't confide in my parents, I didn't accept hugs or other forms of emotional affection, I was picky about my friends (and judgmental of them and everyone else), and I rarely complimented others. I had the ability to behave very coldly and I couldn't (can't?) take a compliment- I would respond with sarcasm and self-doubt. After re-reading that paragraph, I sound like I was a miserable person.
I built this spiky, emotion-barricade out of one fear: Fear that I cannot control my emotions and behaviors if I let them react naturally. I am afraid that I will come off as weak if I allow myself to cry. I am afraid that I will make someone uncomfortable (and myself) if I shower them with the affection they deserve. I am afraid that by allowing myself to feel happy, I will miss out on opportunities that I would have taken if I'd have stay discontent and alert.
I cannot fault my upbringing solely. (We didn't cuddle or say "I love you" constantly or shower one another with praise in my house- that's how we like it. I was and am SO loved and appreciated by my family, but we aren't the expressive kind.) Secretly, a large part of my emotional shutdown is to block the onset of depression. I have the uncanny ability to crawl into my emotion-barricade and shutdown the pain/happiness/anger that I'm feeling. It sounds wonderful, but it actually just results in me feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's very limiting and, in my opinion, unhealthy. I miss out on emotional experiences.
Kyle and I have been working on my behavior. He knows how I struggle with "being nice" and he often gives me a gentle reminder to relax when I start to built up my sharp outward appearance. He gets "stabbed" a lot in the process and I'm so grateful to have such a patient (yet stern, lol) advocate. Because of his faith in me, as well as my yearning and motivation to better myself, I am taking 2014 to relax, reconnect, and react.
Through self-monitoring and -evaluation, as well as seeking help, solace, and gratitude through and to God, I want to make myself "open." I want to feel happy and content without feeling stuck. I want to feel sad, knowing that tomorrow is another day and I will feel better again soon. I want to express patience with our puppy, forgiveness to others, and understanding of differences. The only emotions that ever seemed to slip through my brick wall were anxiety and passion. Perhaps by recognizing and accepting them, I can also learn to control and channel them appropriately.
I know that's a lot of self-reflection and personal information, but there's a purpose for sharing it in my blog. I am inspired by a Facebook friend that I met in college. She is looking at emotions based on Jesus' teachings and behavior. I'm going to branch off that and evaluate my resistance and struggles with emotions while making the conscious effort to change my reactions to them. I hope all of that made sense. If so, stick around for future 2014 posts about specific emotions and coping. If this sounded like a waste of time and stupid, ignore my blog for the next few months.
I do better when I write. I like to scribble lists, thoughts, emotions, etc. By writing these thoughts in my blog, I'm already tearing down a wall and letting people in. I'm not showing off. I'm not divulging my deepest secrets. I'm sharing my already-public thoughts and behaviors. It will help me and maybe it will help someone else.
I built this spiky, emotion-barricade out of one fear: Fear that I cannot control my emotions and behaviors if I let them react naturally. I am afraid that I will come off as weak if I allow myself to cry. I am afraid that I will make someone uncomfortable (and myself) if I shower them with the affection they deserve. I am afraid that by allowing myself to feel happy, I will miss out on opportunities that I would have taken if I'd have stay discontent and alert.
I cannot fault my upbringing solely. (We didn't cuddle or say "I love you" constantly or shower one another with praise in my house- that's how we like it. I was and am SO loved and appreciated by my family, but we aren't the expressive kind.) Secretly, a large part of my emotional shutdown is to block the onset of depression. I have the uncanny ability to crawl into my emotion-barricade and shutdown the pain/happiness/anger that I'm feeling. It sounds wonderful, but it actually just results in me feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's very limiting and, in my opinion, unhealthy. I miss out on emotional experiences.
Kyle and I have been working on my behavior. He knows how I struggle with "being nice" and he often gives me a gentle reminder to relax when I start to built up my sharp outward appearance. He gets "stabbed" a lot in the process and I'm so grateful to have such a patient (yet stern, lol) advocate. Because of his faith in me, as well as my yearning and motivation to better myself, I am taking 2014 to relax, reconnect, and react.
Through self-monitoring and -evaluation, as well as seeking help, solace, and gratitude through and to God, I want to make myself "open." I want to feel happy and content without feeling stuck. I want to feel sad, knowing that tomorrow is another day and I will feel better again soon. I want to express patience with our puppy, forgiveness to others, and understanding of differences. The only emotions that ever seemed to slip through my brick wall were anxiety and passion. Perhaps by recognizing and accepting them, I can also learn to control and channel them appropriately.
I know that's a lot of self-reflection and personal information, but there's a purpose for sharing it in my blog. I am inspired by a Facebook friend that I met in college. She is looking at emotions based on Jesus' teachings and behavior. I'm going to branch off that and evaluate my resistance and struggles with emotions while making the conscious effort to change my reactions to them. I hope all of that made sense. If so, stick around for future 2014 posts about specific emotions and coping. If this sounded like a waste of time and stupid, ignore my blog for the next few months.
I do better when I write. I like to scribble lists, thoughts, emotions, etc. By writing these thoughts in my blog, I'm already tearing down a wall and letting people in. I'm not showing off. I'm not divulging my deepest secrets. I'm sharing my already-public thoughts and behaviors. It will help me and maybe it will help someone else.
No comments:
Post a Comment