Atelophobia: The Fear of Not Being Good Enough

Now that I've unlocked Pandora's Box of emotion, I'm not 100 percent on how to blog about it. These posts might follow a basic outline and they might not. I'm really not sure. Enough about logistics- let's get to the point.

While I'm still tearing down walls, this week I have felt frustration, anger, and fear. (I truly believe that the hardest emotion I will have to achieve and adopt will be "happiness and joy." The idea of just being predominately happy seems so weak in my mind. I haven't sorted all that out yet. I will some other day. Let's make that the end goal.)

This week (and all my life, actually) I've been haunted by the pressure of PERFECTIONISM. In my efforts to be "perfect" I have freely let my frustration and anger fly. This week I did not try to suppress my outrage or shut down- I just simply let it happen.

My name is Audrey and I am a recovering perfectionist. I stress and I stress. When the dogs can't grasp house-breaking I feel like a total failure. When the dishes have been in the sink for 2 days I feel like a total failure. When there is a load of laundry ready to be washed and I don't get myself into the basement to do it I feel like a total failure. Sames goes for the gifts not purchased for Xmas, the spare room that's not painted, the empty fridge, and every other thing that I just can't seem to master.

I know that I'm not the only person that puts these pressures on myself. I've also come to realize that my lofty goal of "perfection" is to mask the truth: I'm secretly not perfect. No one is. That's totally ok.

I have fallen victim to peer pressure and Pinterest Depression: I see other wives/moms/20-year-olds do it perfectly and blog about it. I think, 'Well why can't I master that? Why don't I have 3 laundry baskets stacked perfectly in my basement or a whole closet dedicated to wrapping paper and bows?'

The answer I've been giving myself has been: "Because you're a failure and you'll never be the perfect female/wife."

The real answer is: "Because I am a messy new wife with 2 messy dogs and an equally messy husband. We are adjusting to living with one another and we both work 40 hours a week (or more in his case). Sometimes dinner is steak and sometimes it's Mac & Cheese. Sometimes all the laundry gets done and sometimes Kyle only has one pair of work pants for the week. Sometimes he vacuums and sometimes I vacuum and sometimes no one vacuums. Enzo occasionally pees on the floor, Lylee has tracked poop in on her paws, and sometimes life's dirt gathers in the corners. It gets cleaned up. We don't live in a pigs sty, but we don't live in a white-wall mansion. And you know why? Because I'm not perfect."

I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. No one is. Not even Cassie the Crafty Crone on Pinterest. No one.

I'm allowed to be frustrated with the dogs. I'm allowed to sigh at the number on the scale. I'm allowed to be happy when I successful get only half the laundry done. I'm allowed to celebrate a stocked fridge. Those are life's "perfect moments" and I have spent my (teenage) life overlooking them, trying to fix the big picture.

It's ok to set goals. It's ok to want to be organized. It's ok to get frustrated. It's NOT ok to put immense pressure on myself like I've been doing the last 13 years.

No more emotional walls. No more perfectionist labels. Everything will get done in time and I'm going to laugh, cry, and celebrate along the way.

New Year. New Resolutions. New Thought Process.

For as long as I can remember I have had a very negative thought process and outlook. I considered myself happy, for the most part, but I harbored unnecessary anger, jealously, paranoia, and even hate. I am admittedly sarcastic and cynical- I was raised this way (and by no means do I blame or fault my upbringing). During middle school, high school, and college this attitude worked for me. I was tough and I built walls. I didn't confide in my parents, I didn't accept hugs or other forms of emotional affection, I was picky about my friends (and judgmental of them and everyone else), and I rarely complimented others. I had the ability to behave very coldly and I couldn't (can't?) take a compliment- I would respond with sarcasm and self-doubt. After re-reading that paragraph, I sound like I was a miserable person.

I built this spiky, emotion-barricade out of one fear: Fear that I cannot control my emotions and behaviors if I let them react naturally. I am afraid that I will come off as weak if I allow myself to cry. I am afraid that I will make someone uncomfortable (and myself) if I shower them with the affection they deserve. I am afraid that by allowing myself to feel happy, I will miss out on opportunities that I would have taken if I'd have stay discontent and alert.

I cannot fault my upbringing solely. (We didn't cuddle or say "I love you" constantly or shower one another with praise in my house- that's how we like it. I was and am SO loved and appreciated by my family, but we aren't the expressive kind.) Secretly, a large part of my emotional shutdown is to block the onset of depression. I have the uncanny ability to crawl into my emotion-barricade and shutdown the pain/happiness/anger that I'm feeling. It sounds wonderful, but it actually just results in me feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's very limiting and, in my opinion, unhealthy. I miss out on emotional experiences.

Kyle and I have been working on my behavior. He knows how I struggle with "being nice" and he often gives me a gentle reminder to relax when I start to built up my sharp outward appearance. He gets "stabbed" a lot in the process and I'm so grateful to have such a patient (yet stern, lol) advocate. Because of his faith in me, as well as my yearning and motivation to better myself, I am taking 2014 to relax, reconnect, and react.

Through self-monitoring and -evaluation, as well as seeking help, solace, and gratitude through and to God, I want to make myself "open." I want to feel happy and content without feeling stuck. I want to feel sad, knowing that tomorrow is another day and I will feel better again soon. I want to express patience with our puppy, forgiveness to others, and understanding of differences. The only emotions that ever seemed to slip through my brick wall were anxiety and passion. Perhaps by recognizing and accepting them, I can also learn to control and channel them appropriately.

I know that's a lot of self-reflection and personal information, but there's a purpose for sharing it in my blog. I am inspired by a Facebook friend that I met in college. She is looking at emotions based on Jesus' teachings and behavior. I'm going to branch off that and evaluate my resistance and struggles with emotions while making the conscious effort to change my reactions to them. I hope all of that made sense. If so, stick around for future 2014 posts about specific emotions and coping. If this sounded like a waste of time and stupid, ignore my blog for the next few months.

I do better when I write. I like to scribble lists, thoughts, emotions, etc. By writing these thoughts in my blog, I'm already tearing down a wall and letting people in. I'm not showing off. I'm not divulging my deepest secrets. I'm sharing my already-public thoughts and behaviors. It will help me and maybe it will help someone else.