Love (& Happiness!)

It looks as though I've abandoned my emotional blog saga, I think I've actually been working on "being happy" outside of the internet. (My anti-internet mother would be so proud!) Lately I have been controlling my anger, squashing my jealousy, and discrediting my fears. Our 6 mn. old puppy is 95% house-broken and our house/financial issues aren't as pressing or frustrating as I was making them seem. Everything is O.K. and when I crash on the dog-hair-covered couch at the end of the day, I'm happy. It's a matter of loving what I've got, and knowing that I'll never have everything, and realizing that's how life works. I am blessed and it's an incredible relief to open my eyes and see that.

Here's a conversation to relate...
Me (me) :: Leslie (Enzo's puppy-class teacher)
Leslie: You have an incredible dog here. He is perfect therapy dog material.
Me: Thank you! That's our goal some day.
Leslie: He's great. Dog like him don't come around often so enjoy the time you have with him.

"Enjoy the time you have with him."

Seriously, though.

 

Enzo and Lylee have an average of 15 years on this planet. Their entire lives will be in our care. Our love is the only love they will have the rest of their days. They will wag their tails at the thought of dinner time, walks, and car rides. They will greet us every single morning with a soft lick and happy bark. Their entire lives will be spent with us- but only a fraction of ours will be with them. How incredibly moving is that? I'm on the verge of tears.

Our dogs are so, so happy. Even Lylee, with all her anxiety, is often wagging her tail and smiling. They don't have time to be sad or angry- they live to be happy. That's so awesome. Do they get scared or sad occasionally? Absolutely, but they never dwell on it. I need to be more like my dogs.

"Enjoy the time you have with him." She was talking about Enzo, but this can be applied to ANYTHING. Enjoy the time you have without children. Enjoy the time you have in your 3 bedroom house. Enjoy the time you spend with you husband/parents/brother. Enjoy the 3 days you have on a cruise ship. Enjoy the time.

Enjoy it. Enjoy all of it. New motto? I think so.

"Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice."

Philippians 4:4

Those Self-Entitled, Whiney, Immediate-Gratification Millennials

[I'm taking a break from my "Emotional Posts" to defend my generation.]

The topic of "generations" has been brought up multiple times in my every-day conversations. I am 23 and, therefore, a "Millennial." Here's how generations are grouped:

1927-1945 - Silent Generation or Traditionalists
1946-1964 - Baby Boomers
1965-1983 - Gen X or the Busters
1984- 2002 - Gen Y or the Millennials
2003- Current Gen Z or the Digital Generation

Give or take a little. So as it goes, Millennials are now the 12 to 30 years-olds. We are the era that has never lived without the internet. We grew up with televisions, cell phones, and laptops. We understand social media and we use it to keep in constant communication.

As this era's teenagers/young adults, we are seen as rude and naive- the "hoodlums." I think it's safe to say that ALL generations were label similarly when they were young. The Baby Boomers (and especially the Traditionalists) dread the day that we are "running the country."  We are the 21st century's flappers, hippies, and punks.

As Millennials, we bring our own bad habits to the table. Some of our negative characteristics include:

•  The need for instant gratification. We went to college with Facebook and have a relationship with Instragram. As soon as we do it, the world hears about it or sees it.
• Self-entitlement. We were raised to think that we are special and we deserve that A+, raise, or job promotion. 
• We're considered insincere. We search the internet while we sit in the waiting room and we'd rather say "Happy Birthday" in a text than send a real card or letter. 

 I won't deny these traits. They exist. I see them in myself and I see them in my friends. We were raised a little differently than our parents and our grandparents, and it shows. We have bad habits. 

That being said, we're not all that bad. Here's why:

1. We understand the internet. We know that the internet can be an extremely dangerous place, but we also know that it opens so many doors. I can find an internship in New York, stay connected to my friends in Texas, or research a dead language. We are not fascinated by the internet. We are not scared of the internet. 
2. We know social media etiquette. I won't say that we all abide by it, but we KNOW that our employers/grandma/pastor can see what we post. We know that being on Facebook at the dinner table is rude. We know that "LOL" and "WTF" are not appropriate to use in a company email. We actually take classes in college that warn us about social media and because of this, WE KNOW THE INTERNET BETTER THAN ANY OTHER GENERATION. Have I made my point? I know Facebook's privacy settings better than my parents know them. I know that WebMD can't be taken at face value. I know that not all email content is factual and, unlike the State Farm commercial, just because it's on the internet doesn't mean it's true.
3. We are crazy open-minded. (I'd guess most Traditionalist and B. Boomers aren't exactly thrilled about this.) We didn't live through the civil rights movements. We don't see race as an issue. We are in an age where love is becoming free and good. We are the fuel in that fire. We are reading the Bible, watching the news, researching the hot-button issues, and forming our own opinions. We're not scared to raise our voices and we refuse to be persecuted for our thoughts. We're opinionated and we have more ways to educate ourselves than ever before. We may be called "opinionated", "arrogant", and "wrong", but you can't call us lazy. 
4. We're the ones birthing and raising the next generations. That alone is awesome. We are responsible for the next wave of human beings. We can pass on our desire to love, learn, and grow. We can (hopefully) raise our children to be open-minded and to care about humanity and the environment. We know how to use apps to education and entertain, but we also know what it's like to play flag-football and force our kids to go on walks with the dog. We won't all be perfect parents (heck, none of us will be "perfect"), but we have blogs, websites, books, forums, and new research to help us raise happy, healthy children.

So there it is. My father sends "lol" in his text messages and I see an older couples at the check-out counter on their cell phones- we ALL abuse new age technology, especially when it's "new" to us. It's not new to Millennials. It is my hope that our generation won't allow our children to watch Dora the Explorer on the iPad at Bob Evans. I hope that other Millennials takes the educational courses that outline appropriate professional language. There will always be new technologies and new temptations. We will always have little faith in the younger generations. We are young, stupid, and new to the "real world", but I promise we have a lot to offer.

"Men in rage strike those that wish them best.” -William Shakespeare

I hope that I'm making some sort of personal progress with all of these posts. I know that in my life  I regress occasionally, but regression is proof of change. In case you're just joining us, here are the other posts in my emotional saga:

Resolutions

Fear of Failure

Jealousy

On to the next one: RAGE.

A conversation occurred between my husband and I, resulting in him telling me that often I don't seem "happy." This was a painful accusation, since I don't necessarily consider myself UN-happy. He pointed out that a "happy" person doesn't usually have major melt downs and tantrums as often as I do. (He wasn't being mean- I asked him for a blunt evaluation. He is exceptional at bluntness.)

Since the conversation, I've taken time to notice how often I go from 0 to 60. If you're wondering, I do it a lot. Dog has an accident on the floor? Ok, that's fine. Dog then STEPS in accident on the floor? Insta-Hulk. Seriously- it's insane.

Not only does my blood pressure suffer from these mini-rage episodes, but my poor fur babies and fur-less husband also take a beating (figuratively, of course).

 

 Anger, unlike jealousy or an unnecessary fear, is not something I can stop feeling. God gets angry and Jesus got angry- it's natural and it's ok. Rage is NOT ok.

Because He is a just God, God is angry with sinners every day. Surely God's anger is not wrong. It is proper, for it is even based on His justice [Psalm 7:11] 

Rage [n]
   : a strong feeling of anger that is difficult to control
   : a sudden expression of violent anger

There are things that I am not in control over and there are things that I AM in control over.  My next emotional-goal is to move anger/temper from the "uncontrollable" category into the other- and dispose of this "rage" all together. 

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,  and do not give the devil a foothold.  He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.  Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. [Ephesians 4:26-31]

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. [James 1:19-20]

Rage is dangerous. I have taken a swing (at my best friend) out of range. When my dogs make me extremely angry I swat their noses and yell. When I stub my toe, hit my head, or cut my finger I react with tears of rage and push away anyone that tries to comfort me. My rage starts with me, but ends with someone else getting hurt.

My goal is not to shove the Bible down your throat, but when I struggle, the Bible is a strong, stable, everlasting source to turn to. Rage is a sin- a sin against love. The worst kind of sin, in my book. 

Through prayer and perseverance, I can control my anger.

I can count to 10 before reacting.

I can remove myself from the situation to calm down.

I can practice yoga and meditation. 

I can address my annoyances and frustration before they grow into rage.

What I can't do is ignore my behavior. For the sake of my hubby, our dogs, my friends and family, and myself, I won't ignore my tendency toward rage. Here's to being happier and in control.

The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy is insanely powerful. Lately I've noticed that it consumes me more than I'd like to think. I've been close to swearing off Facebook because sometimes I see a photo or status that make me so bitter and jealous, it ruins my day. How dumb is that?!

 

It starts with jealously and evolves into:

- anger (someone is doing something that I can't)

- hatefulness (they don't deserve do to something/get something/etc.)

- depression (I'll never achieve/experience/have what they do)

Jealousy is a serious diseases that, unless confronted, grows and flourishes while masked beneath other negative emotions. It's pretty repulsive. 

I discovered my moldy, germinating jealousy when I realized that I have a very hard time being genuinely happy for others. My initial reaction to seeing friends' vacation photos, lavish gifts, and happy moments posted to FB is very hostile and sour. What's up with that?

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. [Proverbs 14:30]

Now that I've recognized these festering feelings, I can finally address them and continue on my way to happiness and joy. Instead of scrolling past the pictures on FB and mumbling rude, untruthful things under my breath, I comment and express how cool it is that the person went there/got that/saw this/meet them. Because it IS cool! And sometimes I do cool things and others let me know that they're happy for me. That's how being a happy, kind human being works. (On and off Facebook!)

I don't know where or when this invasive jealous was planted in my soul, but I'm going to take the time to weed it out. When I'm happy for others, I am happy for me... and that's the goal, right? Goodbye, jealousy. Hello, joy.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. [1 Peter 4:8]

Atelophobia: The Fear of Not Being Good Enough

Now that I've unlocked Pandora's Box of emotion, I'm not 100 percent on how to blog about it. These posts might follow a basic outline and they might not. I'm really not sure. Enough about logistics- let's get to the point.

While I'm still tearing down walls, this week I have felt frustration, anger, and fear. (I truly believe that the hardest emotion I will have to achieve and adopt will be "happiness and joy." The idea of just being predominately happy seems so weak in my mind. I haven't sorted all that out yet. I will some other day. Let's make that the end goal.)

This week (and all my life, actually) I've been haunted by the pressure of PERFECTIONISM. In my efforts to be "perfect" I have freely let my frustration and anger fly. This week I did not try to suppress my outrage or shut down- I just simply let it happen.

My name is Audrey and I am a recovering perfectionist. I stress and I stress. When the dogs can't grasp house-breaking I feel like a total failure. When the dishes have been in the sink for 2 days I feel like a total failure. When there is a load of laundry ready to be washed and I don't get myself into the basement to do it I feel like a total failure. Sames goes for the gifts not purchased for Xmas, the spare room that's not painted, the empty fridge, and every other thing that I just can't seem to master.

I know that I'm not the only person that puts these pressures on myself. I've also come to realize that my lofty goal of "perfection" is to mask the truth: I'm secretly not perfect. No one is. That's totally ok.

I have fallen victim to peer pressure and Pinterest Depression: I see other wives/moms/20-year-olds do it perfectly and blog about it. I think, 'Well why can't I master that? Why don't I have 3 laundry baskets stacked perfectly in my basement or a whole closet dedicated to wrapping paper and bows?'

The answer I've been giving myself has been: "Because you're a failure and you'll never be the perfect female/wife."

The real answer is: "Because I am a messy new wife with 2 messy dogs and an equally messy husband. We are adjusting to living with one another and we both work 40 hours a week (or more in his case). Sometimes dinner is steak and sometimes it's Mac & Cheese. Sometimes all the laundry gets done and sometimes Kyle only has one pair of work pants for the week. Sometimes he vacuums and sometimes I vacuum and sometimes no one vacuums. Enzo occasionally pees on the floor, Lylee has tracked poop in on her paws, and sometimes life's dirt gathers in the corners. It gets cleaned up. We don't live in a pigs sty, but we don't live in a white-wall mansion. And you know why? Because I'm not perfect."

I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. No one is. Not even Cassie the Crafty Crone on Pinterest. No one.

I'm allowed to be frustrated with the dogs. I'm allowed to sigh at the number on the scale. I'm allowed to be happy when I successful get only half the laundry done. I'm allowed to celebrate a stocked fridge. Those are life's "perfect moments" and I have spent my (teenage) life overlooking them, trying to fix the big picture.

It's ok to set goals. It's ok to want to be organized. It's ok to get frustrated. It's NOT ok to put immense pressure on myself like I've been doing the last 13 years.

No more emotional walls. No more perfectionist labels. Everything will get done in time and I'm going to laugh, cry, and celebrate along the way.

New Year. New Resolutions. New Thought Process.

For as long as I can remember I have had a very negative thought process and outlook. I considered myself happy, for the most part, but I harbored unnecessary anger, jealously, paranoia, and even hate. I am admittedly sarcastic and cynical- I was raised this way (and by no means do I blame or fault my upbringing). During middle school, high school, and college this attitude worked for me. I was tough and I built walls. I didn't confide in my parents, I didn't accept hugs or other forms of emotional affection, I was picky about my friends (and judgmental of them and everyone else), and I rarely complimented others. I had the ability to behave very coldly and I couldn't (can't?) take a compliment- I would respond with sarcasm and self-doubt. After re-reading that paragraph, I sound like I was a miserable person.

I built this spiky, emotion-barricade out of one fear: Fear that I cannot control my emotions and behaviors if I let them react naturally. I am afraid that I will come off as weak if I allow myself to cry. I am afraid that I will make someone uncomfortable (and myself) if I shower them with the affection they deserve. I am afraid that by allowing myself to feel happy, I will miss out on opportunities that I would have taken if I'd have stay discontent and alert.

I cannot fault my upbringing solely. (We didn't cuddle or say "I love you" constantly or shower one another with praise in my house- that's how we like it. I was and am SO loved and appreciated by my family, but we aren't the expressive kind.) Secretly, a large part of my emotional shutdown is to block the onset of depression. I have the uncanny ability to crawl into my emotion-barricade and shutdown the pain/happiness/anger that I'm feeling. It sounds wonderful, but it actually just results in me feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's very limiting and, in my opinion, unhealthy. I miss out on emotional experiences.

Kyle and I have been working on my behavior. He knows how I struggle with "being nice" and he often gives me a gentle reminder to relax when I start to built up my sharp outward appearance. He gets "stabbed" a lot in the process and I'm so grateful to have such a patient (yet stern, lol) advocate. Because of his faith in me, as well as my yearning and motivation to better myself, I am taking 2014 to relax, reconnect, and react.

Through self-monitoring and -evaluation, as well as seeking help, solace, and gratitude through and to God, I want to make myself "open." I want to feel happy and content without feeling stuck. I want to feel sad, knowing that tomorrow is another day and I will feel better again soon. I want to express patience with our puppy, forgiveness to others, and understanding of differences. The only emotions that ever seemed to slip through my brick wall were anxiety and passion. Perhaps by recognizing and accepting them, I can also learn to control and channel them appropriately.

I know that's a lot of self-reflection and personal information, but there's a purpose for sharing it in my blog. I am inspired by a Facebook friend that I met in college. She is looking at emotions based on Jesus' teachings and behavior. I'm going to branch off that and evaluate my resistance and struggles with emotions while making the conscious effort to change my reactions to them. I hope all of that made sense. If so, stick around for future 2014 posts about specific emotions and coping. If this sounded like a waste of time and stupid, ignore my blog for the next few months.

I do better when I write. I like to scribble lists, thoughts, emotions, etc. By writing these thoughts in my blog, I'm already tearing down a wall and letting people in. I'm not showing off. I'm not divulging my deepest secrets. I'm sharing my already-public thoughts and behaviors. It will help me and maybe it will help someone else.

Cry It Out

Sometimes Life punches you really hard in the stomach. The blow doesn't break any ribs but it definitely takes your breath away and leaves you standing there in pain. The only thing you can really do is cry and wait for the pain to subside. It doesn't seem like things can get any worse.

November is the month of thankfulness. All over Facebook, Pinterest, blogs, schools, and stores people are listing what they're thankful for and why. It makes it hard to be bitter and pitiful. Then again, Life isn't particular about when it punches. It doesn't avoid the holidays- I actually think it prefers them.

When something bad happens to me, I try very hard to laugh it off. We're on Earth for a short time and there's no reason to get upset over trivial, material problems. When a loved one is sick or injured I obviously have a different approach, but when it comes to "first world problems" I think it's best to dismiss them and work them out with a positive, easy-going approach.

Sometime, though, Life punches your more than once. It hits 2 or 3 times and there's nothing you can do about it- your hands are tied and you just have to take it. On the rare occasions that this occurs, the "positive, easy-going approach" just kind of crumbs and tears take over. The "why me?" and "this isn't fair" starts to form and escape from my lips. There's no outlet to exhaust or comfort to be had- all I want to do is whine about my problems and cry. Today- November 26th- it seems like all the fit is hitting the shan.

I've already cried. Now I want to curl up on the couch and never move. (Of course, I'll freeze to death since my furnace is dead.) When I have hurdles I mentally put them in the form of a To-Do List. As they're resolved, my brain checks them off, one by one. When the list grows and nothing gets checked off, I become extremely overwhelmed. Today is that day. When you throw money and expenses into the mix, my brain turns into a war zone. Welcome to the war zone, people.

I wish I could schedule home-ownership problems, legal issues, and medical emergency into my planner. If I HAVE to deal with them, it'd be nice to space them out. Obviously I can't do this. No one can. While I want to sit here and count my hardships, I know it's more beneficial to count my blessings. All I want for Christmas is some check marks on my mental list, preferably before I go mental myself.